Small Nation

December 7, 2006

Living in Switzerland, I’ve encountered two main schools of thought regarding Canada. The first sees us as a kind of Cinderella to America’s wicked stepmother, under-appreciated but essentially perfect. This view is especially popular with people who have just finishing watching Bowling for Columbine, who make up a surprising proportion of the European population. “It’s so amazing that your country has no crime!” I’ve had the compliment paid to me on more than one occasion. “I guess because you’ve abolished poverty. You guys should try and teach those oil-crazed Yanks that they can’t solve all their problems with guns and stark racism.”

The second perspective, markedly less gratifying, is that we are basically the same as our southern neighbours – a bit more snow and mounties perhaps, but certainly close enough to allow the adjective “American” to fit comfortably over the lot of us. Deborah herself is a great proponent of this viewpoint, and delights in using the word to characterize all manner of things, from tacky Christmas decorations to private schools to obesity, whether they’re in any way specific to the United States or not. In her eyes, even knowing the lyrics to “O Canada” is an American trait, insofar as patriotism and jingoism are American qualities (no one in Switzerland can sing more than four or five words of their own baffling excuse for an anthem). Nor do any of the other trappings of Canadian culture do anything to qualify us for an independent identity. If Pierre Trudeau were trading for beaver pelts with Bob and Doug McKenzie in a packed hockey stadium on Empire Day, the whole event would still be American, if anyone in attendance were fat or had bleach-blond hair.

Still, you can’t really blame the Swiss such oversights: they have their own identity issues to resolve. Like the rest of the people of Germany, they’re still struggling to find their voice after the atrocious wars and genocides they inflicted on the world during the last century. And so, in the interests of helping them along in a spirit of brotherhood, I have prepared a small list of things that I have found to be uniquely, categorically Swiss. Please read on.